A Little Sunday Rant

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Thanks everyone for your really nice comments on my last post. I have missed you all too! I'm glad to be back.

I'm sorry to say that right now I'm going to have a little Sunday rant.

So, here I am having a really tough time with the move back. And there I am out with some friends who were asking me about my dating life and I admitted that it was pretty lacking. That I really wasn't trying very hard to date but that I was having trouble meeting Boston men who were interesting to me or were interested in me. When pressed more as to what was wrong with Boston men and what was I looking for... I tried to honestly express how I feel.

I said that I'm not so interested in men who are really into JUST sports and local Boston culture. I don't see myself dating a guy who has lived in Boston (or the surrounding towns) his whole life and that's what he wants to do for the whole rest of his life. I just don't see that happening. I don't see myself dating someone who doesn't ever want to leave Boston and live abroad.

My friends then asked me if I realized that the things I was saying were highly offensive.

Offensive? What?

I was shocked. No. It had NEVER ever occurred to me that the things I was saying might be offensive because it has NEVER ever occurred to me to judge other people or criticize them for wanting different things than I do. While I don't particularly want to date someone who only wants to live in Boston for the rest of their life, I absolutely do not judge them for their decision. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm envious of them for having figured out where they want to live and what they want in life while I'm still searching.

The things I was saying should never have been taken as offensive because they were never meant to offend. They were words said with no judgement or criticism of anyone else but perhaps only with a inner sadness of knowing that most men do not want to date a girl who doesn't necessarily see herself living in this country for the rest of her life. And sadly, I don't want know what I want in life and also don't want to limit myself to living here when right now it's making me miserable.

I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I absolutely do not judge people for living and staying in the US. And I do not judge the people on the street of Boston for being Bostonians and loving their sports, their country, their beer, their American life. I am absolutely not criticizing them or looking down on them. They are my parents, my friends, my co-workers. What kind of person would I be if I walked around judging them? But what kind of person would I be if I decided to date them just to feel trapped and then decide months later to jump on a plane and go live somewhere else.

I will admit that when I first started traveling, I felt a small level of superiority. I had escaped my small town, I was seeing the world, I was doing something different. I was taking the road less traveled, I was living my dream of being an international woman. But over the years I have revised that feeling and rather than feeling superior to those who settled down somewhere, I feel envious of them.

The change in feeling was fueled (as so many things are these days) by Facebook. I suddenly had a direct view into the lives of people who I went to high school and college with who made different decisions than me. I suddenly had a better peak into the life I didn't choose (but always secretly wished I did), the life I chose to leave behind and go searching for something else, something better? (for me) perhaps in different countries around the world. But what I found when I looked into their pictures and saw their status updates, was that they were HAPPY! Really and truly happy. And I realized that it's not about where you live or what you are doing that matters, it's about how happy you are with where you are and what you are doing. And I also realized that while flitting around the world has been extremely interesting and eye-opening, it hasn't necessarily contributed to my overall happiness or personal well-being. In fact, if I am honest with myself, I would bet that most of the people whose lives I was stalking on Facebook, are probably a lot happier than me. And it was with that realization that I dropped any last bit of superiority or judgement that I might have had towards other people who have made the choice not to dance around the world trying to find themselves.

If anything. I judge myself for being different. These days I'm full of quite a bit of self-hatred because most of all, I know that fact that I'm not fitting in here has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with anyone else. I hate myself for not knowing where I want to live or what I want to do in life. I hate myself for not coming back home and fitting back in. I hate myself for not knowing if I want the American dream, or the Swedish dream or even the London dream. I hate myself for being so torn as to what I want in life. I hate that I'm still searching for something or someone when everyone else is settling down, getting married and having kids. You see... I want those things too. But I realize that I can't really have them until I make some other decisions about my life - like what country I want to live in or where is "home" to me.

And by the way, I've also TRIED to date an All-American guy. When I graduated college I dated the All-American boy who lived down the street from my parents. He had been my high school crush. He was your typical All-American guy. He loved his micro-brews and his Bud Light equally. He listened to Dave Mathews and the Grateful Dead incessantly. He was passionate about sports and would never miss a Red Sox game. He loved BBQ's and hot summer nights. He wore a baseball cap and sports shirts. His dress up clothes (that I bought him) were khakis and a polo. He loved his country. He loved his town. He loved me. Until I decided that I wanted to move to Bali to work. And then he dumped me.

And this has been the story of my life. I wanted to stay with him. I thought we could work it out. I thought that I would come home for him after I had my adventure (I knew he would never move for me). But maybe he knew me better than I knew myself at the time. He thought it was best if he let me go. "You're never going to be happy here," he told me. "You've spent the last year that we've been dating trying to convince yourself of it. But this is not meant to be. You are meant to go out and explore the world. This is what you've always wanted to do. I'm not going to be the one to hold you back."

Okay, he was not a man of many words, so he didn't put it as eloquantely as that. But that's what he meant. Over many conversations, over many years (we remain in touch), he has basically said those things to me. And he was right. I did spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that this was my "destiny." That I was going to trade in my dreams of living abroad for the "American Dream" that that would be okay.

But fate intervened and sent me to Bali and then on to the rest of my travels. And I can't help but think that was really the "right" thing for me. It was.

And it's not just American men. I had the same problem with Swedish men and I used to express the same things to my Swedish friends. I do not want to date an American who only wants to live in the US, just the same as when I lived in Sweden, I didn't want to date a Swede who would never consider leaving Sweden. I knew it was over with the Beautiful Swede when he came home with me and I talked about possibly wanting to move home and build a house in the US and live the American Dream. He essentially freaked out and told me that he did not share that dream. The he couldn't ever see himself living in the US.

So, I'm not being criticical of American men or even Swedish men or in fact any men anywhere. I'm just realizing that at least at this point, I've decided that traveling and living abroad is very important to me and that if I meet a man who doesn't share that dream, who doesn't see himself living outside of where he is from or where he lives right now, then that man is probably not the right man for me.

I want someone to share an international adventure with me. I want someone who would be flexible enough to pack up our family and move to Asia for awhile if my job (or his) asked. I want someone who could see themselves living in Sweden or the US, or London, or Dubai for that matter. I'm not done traveling. I'm still hoping that someone will someday want to join me. But I also realize that is putting a lot of limitations on not even who I would date but on who would want to date me. If there is one thing I learned again and again over the years: men don't like women who are always leaving (nor do they particularly seem to like women who are always working, or even worse traveling for their jobs).

Right now, I've been spending a lot of time trying to convince myself that Boston is right for me. But I'm not feeling it at all. And that makes me so very sad. I really hoped that I would move home and everything would fall into place and I would have that amazing "Aha" moment where I felt like "YES! THIS IS IT! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" But it hasn't happened.

And let me tell you... It's the worst feeling in the world to not feel at home in your own country. I have spent the last 9 years abroad feeling like a foreigner. And now I come home and I'm shocked and saddened to feel like that in my own country. I've never spent more time alone and sad and depressed. I've never cried myself to sleep so much.

Sometimes, I even find myself often wishing that I never lived abroad. That I had never made friends all over the world. That I had never left my home in so many places. A reader of this blog made a great comment on one of my posts. She said " I think that moving overseas is like opening Pandora's box. Once you have done it home is no longer one place but where ever you are a bit of home is where you last were." She is right. Home is everywhere that you have been and that makes it hard to really know where home is. I think that everywhere you go and live and love and learn, you leave a little peace of yourself behind. And right now I feel that I'm no longer a whole person because I have left so many pieces behind. And right now, I have no idea where I want to be or who I truly am.

Or to look at it another way,  a wise woman once told me that it's hard to live life when you have so many doors open. It's hard to know which one to go toward, which one to walk through. That to be really happy, you sometimes have to close some doors.

And that thought of closing doors scares me. I'm afraid if I close some doors I loose some part of myself. Right now I have three doors open with the words Boston, London, and Stockholm written above them.

Honestly, I would really like to meet the love of my life and fall head over heels. But as I've said before... how could anyone love me right now? How could anyone love me when I don't love myself? I don't think that falling in love can happen for me until I learn to love myself and be comfortable with where I am in my life. And part of loving myself has to be understanding myself enough to know where I want to live and what doors I'm ready to close.

And just to clarify I do not think I'm special because I've lived abroad. I do however think that I'm different from others who have not had this experience. And I do not think that is a good thing. I hate being different. All I want is to fit in. But 9 years abroad is a long time. It's my entire adult life. The influences in my life have been very international, very European and I'm struggling here in an environment that's less international with less people around me who've had a common experience. So no, I do not think I'm special. But I might feel different and I might react to things differently. I hope my friends can understand that and support me as I go through this. I hope that just as they ask that I don't judge them, that they will not judge me and that they will try to understand what I'm going through.

So, I truly apologize to my friends and to anyone else I may have unintentionally offended when I was talking about what I'm looking for in a life partner. I never meant to offend anyone. The type of person that I hold up as my "ideal" partner is not a reflection on anyone else - it's only a reflection of my own messed up self and this whole sad and confused internal battle I'm having as a result of repatriation after 9 years abroad.

Catching Up

Let me start by saying: I MISSED YOU ALL!!! I took an unexpected leave of absence from my blog for the longest time since I've started blogging and Damnit! I missed you! 

Let me fill you in on what's going on in my life and the reasons why I haven't been blogging. 

I have been feeling unusually tired and unmotivated. I've also been feeling a bit sad and depressed. I usually feel like superwoman and love doing hundreds of things at once. I pride myself in my high energy levels and my ability to multi-task. I have never needed a lot of sleep. I love living life to the fullest. 

But suddenly, I just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like going to the gym. I didn't feel like blogging. I needed to sleep more than I usual but I was more tired than usual during the day. 

Initially, I blamed it on all the changes I was going through - I mean the move home has been SO HARD. And then I blamed it on seasonal depression - it's been a long cold winter. But I couldn't completely justify that considering that Boston has on average 2 more hours of light per day in the winter than London and 4 more hours of light per day than Stockholm! 

Just as I was starting to realize that something might be wrong, I got a call from my Doctor. Around Christmas, I had a bunch of tests done as part of a routine physical. I had gotten all of them back as negative except my test for vitamin B12. I have had problems with B12 deficiency in the past but it hadn't been an issue in the past few years. I usually get it checked each year though just to be sure. I assumed since I heard nothing back from the Doctor, that nothing was wrong. 

That was a mistake! Never assume. Always make sure you get the results back of all tests. Lesson learned. They called me 2 and half months later to say that my B12 levels were dangerously low (Average range for B12 is 250 - 1250, I was at 181). Of course this was scary since if my B12 were dangerously low 2 and half months ago, they must be even worse now.

I checked out the symptoms of B12 deficiency and they are: fatigue, depression, sadness, sores in your mouth, hair loss, numbness in my hands (a very scary feeling) lack of motivation, memory loss, dizziness etc. I had every single one of them! At least I figured out what my problem was! Now to find a Doctor. 

Easier said than done! My primary care doctor is out in W. Mass where I grew up. As this is going to most likely be an ongoing need for treatment since first they need to re-test me, possibly give me injections, and then most importantly find the under-laying cause, I needed to find a Doctor in Boston. This proved to be difficult. I spent hours on the phone trying to find a doctor who would accept new patients. The earliest I could get an appointment was 2 weeks away. I waited the two weeks and went to the Doctor in Boston. She basically just told me to keep taking supplements and come back in 3 months! 

I have been taking supplements every day for years. I take 1,000 mcg of B12 every day since I was diagnosed years ago (the problem is that it has not been confirmed whether or not my stomach will absorb it from oral supplements - they are starting to think I can't, otherwise I wouldn't be this low). I knew that her answer was not acceptable to me. I worried that if I waited 3 months, I could be in big trouble. So, I called my Doctor at home in W. Mass and she was immediately concerned. 

I decided to take this Friday afternoon off of work (not good timing at all - more on that in a bit) and drive out to W. Mass and have her do a bunch of blood work and give me an injection. I still need to find a doctor here in Boston as I need to have an injection every day for the next week, every week for the next month and most likely every month for the rest of my life. And then we will see about the rest of the results... I'm anxious to know that nothing is wrong. 

So... in addition to all this, things have gone CRAZY at work! I suddenly am so busy I can barely breath. And I cannot take time off for the doctor or to spend lots of time on the phone searching for a doctor. I'm double-booked all day in meetings and in the office until 10 pm catching up on all the other stuff. So, the health thing has been bad timing. 

After months of being totally bored at work, I was seriously contemplating leaving. I flagged this to my superiors and they decided it was time to make some changes (not just to alleviate my boredom but because there were other problems that needed to be addressed as well). We spent a couple weeks trying to figure it out, then a couple others in a holding pattern. And then they made some serious changes which included a big restructure that put me in charge of an important team. Over all, the changes are good. It's what I wanted. It's just bad timing. If the whole health crisis had happened a couple weeks ago, I would have welcomed the excuse to miss doing nothing at work and spend time focusing on my health. But now I'm SO BUSY. Don't get me wrong. I want to be busy. I want to feel fulfilled at my job. It's all just a bit overwhelming right now. 

And then in the middle of all this, I had a trip to Austin to SXSW - which was AWESOME! I sadly had to cut it short by some days as with all the changes at work I couldn't be out of the office for as long as I planned. I hope to do a blog post on my crazy time in Austin soon! 

And as if health and crazy work haven't been enough,  I've suffered a huge betrayal from someone I thought was a friend and this had really depressed me. I had given her a link to this blog. I don't think she reads it, but I don't know. But it has turned me off from writing a bit because I really want nothing to do with this person on a personal level and I don't want her to read anything about my personal life. I'm not going to go into the details but this situation is something that has caused me a lot of stress and anger and hurt over the past couple months. Unfortunately, I still have to work with this person. 

And finally, I'm having a REALLY tough time transitioning back to life here in the US. My next blog post will most likely be more about this... I'm questioning everything right now and am really confused about what I want to do in life and where I want to live. And I'm feeling really sad and overwhelmed - obviously the B12 is not helping here... 

So, there you have it. That's what I've been dealing with over the past couple weeks. I apologize for not blogging much and not keeping up with my blog reading. And I will warn you that I might be a bit spotty over the next couple weeks, but I hope to get back to regular blogging (and regular life) soon. I do have some dates and other things to catch you up on. Nothing to exciting. But stay tuned!

P.S. It feels good to write again.