Standing Still

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There was a night last fall when I found myself with colleagues standing in the middle of the Red Square at around 11:00 pm and all I could think about was going back to the hotel and sleeping. The next week I was in Rome standing in front of the Colliseum with a similiar thought. I was standing in the midst of some of the most historic places in the world and I was no longer thrilled. I was just tired. And that is when I knew I needed a break.

With this in mind, I took some actions that put forth a chain of events that caused me to move "home" to  Boston in late October. This has been just about the longest time I've been home in the US in 9 years.

I've been back in the US for almost 3 months now. And for the first time in a very long time, this International Woman of Mystery is standing still. Completely still. And I'm freaking out.*

And this stillness is making me crazy. I thought that standing still would be good for me, that taking a moment out of the jet-set madness that was my life would help me figure out who I am, what I'm doing and what I want to do next. I thought that moving back to the US would give me some answers as to what I want my life to be. I thought that stopping the non-stop travel and the long hours and the crazy work, would give me some perspective. I thought that maybe living in the place where I'm from and stopping the constant work-related travel would make it easier to meet men and form better friendships. I thought that for the first time in a long time, I could establish a routine and stick to it. I thought that standing still would be good for me, and in many ways it probably has been... But it has not been easy. I didn't think it would be easy.

But I didn't think it would be this hard.

At first it was exciting. It was like moving to a new country but with old familiarity. And there was all the logistics of finding a place, starting the job, getting settled. And that at least kept me very busy.  Now that the craziness of the move is over, and I've had time to take stock of my new world, it's suddenly starting to hit me. This is my life.

This is it. And it's lonely. There were days in the not so recent past that I would have killed for a few free seconds, for a three week period where I didn't have to fly somewhere, for a work day that started at 9 and ended at 6, for a day where people weren't lining up at my desk to ask me questions or get my advice, for a day when  I didn't have 9 hours of meetings scheduled.

And now I have time. Lots of time. Too much time. Too much time to be lonely. To think about the people I miss. Too much time to think. Too much time to realize that unfortunately, moving home didn't make me happy. Nor has it helped me to feel better about my life or about myself. Instead, I feel even more lost. I miss my friends. I miss living abroad. I miss my old job. I miss the travel. I miss the bustle and the flow and crazy pace of life. I miss being an expert at what I did. I miss having a team of people to manage. I miss being part of a different culture. I miss being different. I miss being international. I miss being a foreigner. I miss exploring and discovering new cities. I miss the excitement of new adventures around every corner. I miss the difficulty. I miss taking the path less take over the well-traveled and comfortable road. I miss the challenge.

I'm having trouble defining myself in this new world that is my life. The ways that I defined myself before - as an International person, as a hard-working person, as a well-liked and respected person at work who encouraged a lively office social scene. Those are now gone. I'm no longer international. I'm no longer working very hard. I'm no longer very important at my job. I no longer have a very big network. Some days I feel invisible. As if there is nothing tying me to this world right now. As if I could just float away, disappear and no one would notice.

At least when I was living abroad, even when things were not going well or I was feeling down, I always felt that I was doing cool/interesting/glamorous things. Being an American living abroad made me feel special. I was doing something different. Taking the road less traveled. And sometimes that thought alone was enough to get me through the day. 

But back home here, I no longer feel special. I mostly just feel invisible and lost. I feel underwhelmed and under-challenged. I was so used to life being a constant adventure. One long rollar coaster of crazy events in crazy places. And of course, I'm not going to lie, I sometimes wanted to get off. I definitely was curious to see what it would be like to stand on steady ground. And I'm glad I got to find out. But I really miss the excitement of the ride. More than I ever thought I would.

And when I lived abroad, when things got hard, I always told myself, well you can always "move home." And although I knew that moving home would be hard too, it always stood out in my mind as some kind of solution. Some kind of problem solver. Some kind of destination. Some kind of change that I could make that when I reached the end of all else, going home would be what was left and that would be ok.

But now I am home. And suddenly I realize that "home" is no longer home. And I feel like a foreigner in my own country. And I wonder where is "home?" And what is my next move? Where do I belong?

I don't regret moving back. I know it's what I needed at the time. I needed to stand still if for nothing else than to appreciate the ride when I get back on it. But I can already feel it... That same familiar feeling that has haunted me all these years -  my feet are getting restless and my heart is yearning for travel and adventure. I wonder how long I will actually stay here in Boston. I wonder what my next adventure will be. I wonder if things will get better here. Or if I will be off again too soon to find out.

I knew it would be hard. But I didn't ever think it would be this hard...

*I've been trying to write this blog post for almost 2 months now, but have been struggling to get it to try to convey the emotions that I'm feeling - I'm still not there but I wanted to post this before I took off for my first trip abroad since moving back. Weather permitting, I'm off on Thursday to London/Stockholm. The trip is bringing to head a lot of emotions and questions and fear and excitement and confusion. Since I've moved home, I've been struggling with the question - where do I belong? And where is home, if "home" no longer feels like home? And what do I do next? 

Sunday Funday

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I was supposed to have a quiet weekend this weekend. I was supposed to be gearing up for a big detox that was supposed to quick start today.

I was supposed to go to a baby shower in New Hampshire and then come home and go to the gym, go to the grocery store, write an interesting blog post, and talk to my parents.

It  had been an unusually uneventful weekend. I had gone to dinner with a colleague on Friday night and was home early and I had stayed in on Saturday night. Sunday was supposed to be a calm end to a calm weekend that was suppossed to kickoff a calm two weeks of detoxing and being healthy before a trip to London and Stockholm which is bound to be madness and full of indulgence.

But oh no... This International Woman of Mystery couldn't handle a calm weekend! Especially when faced with the prospect of the next weekend being calm as well! This International Woman of Mystery fell subject to peer pressure and ended up participating in Sunday Funday and spending NINE hours in a bar on Sunday night skipping the gym and then skipping Boot Camp in the morning and coming to work grumpy and hungover.

I blame a lot of people for my misbehavior, my lack of gym going, the fact that I didn't make it to Boot Camp and the fact that I'm HUNGOVER today. Let me give you the rundown.

First, let me start by blaming the baby shower. The baby shower where NO COCKTAILS were to be found! I wasn't really planning to drink a lot a the shower. I was driving. But I wouldn't have minded 1 drink. A bloody mary or a mimosa would have done the trick. Stopped the craving. Kept the alcoholic monster that lives inside me at bay. But alas, there was no alcohol to be found at the baby shower. WTF? And the ugly alcoholic monster reared its ugly head.

Next, I blame Hot Married Friend L (who didn't have to work today - lucky girl) who took full advantage of the in-satiated alcoholic monster that lives within me and convinced me that we needed "just one drink." I mean after all.... we did just survive a long baby shower with NO ALCOHOL. (And, let's face it, no matter how you look at it, baby showers are just not that fun).

"I'm going to the gym." I told her.

"Don't you have boot camp tomorrow?" She asks. "You can skip the gym tonight and make up for it tomorrow." I made a face. "Or, you can have just one drink and go to the gym later." Famous. Last Words.

Hot Married Friend L dropped the subject after that but no matter how I looked at it, the thought of a cold spicy bloody mary was just way more appealing then the sweaty smelly gym. And as we got back to Boston, I found myself pulling up to my favorite local "tavern." "Just one drink," I told her. Famous. Last Words.

One drink of course turned into just one more drink and just one more drink and just one more... Next I blame the Patriots (there are an awful lot of people blaming the Patriots today). First, I blame the Patriots packing the bar with people and making an interesting atmosphere. Second, I blame the Patriots for losing (thank you Tom Brady for that stunning loss) because of course then we had to drink some more.

Then, I blame the table next to us for catching us as we put on our jackets and were getting ready to leave at a rather acceptable hour. I blame them for inviting us to play a card game with them and then I blame them for continuing to order more and more drinks.  And before we knew it, it was MIDNIGHT and we had been at the bar since 3:00! Isn't it amazing how time flies when you are getting drunk.

Next, I blame The Company for not having MLK day as a holiday! Because if it had been a holiday today, then the whole day would have been a whole lot better. And I could have really enjoyed my Sunday Funday without feeling guilty or dealing with a work hangover (those are the worst, I usually try to avoid them).

Most of all I blame the alcoholic monster that lives inside me for once again overpowering the health nut that I think still lives there as well (although it is possible he drowned in a pool of alcohol).

And finally I blame I'm Attractive Single Friend C who is SUPPOSED to be detoxing with me this week but has just sent me a text to say "I'm craving a drink." Not helpful C. Not helpful at all.

I'm standing strong though. I'm not drinking until the 27th when I'm scheduled to leave for London. (I'm hoping if I say that out loud enough times, I will convince myself that I can do it).

So, thus begins day one of a 10 day detox of no alcohol and healthy eating while I attempt to revive the health nut and nurture him back to health so he can stand up to the alcoholic monster and sometimes (at least 50% of the time) win the battle.

Unfortunately, the bagel this morning was necessary to soak up the alcohol in my stomach (for some reason we managed to be at a bar for nine hours without eating dinner) but that was it... Now it's only healthy boring foods and water and tea. I had a big salad for lunch. Baby steps. Baby steps.

But please forgive me if I'm extremely grumpy these next days while I'm cultivating the health nut and reducing the strength of the alcoholic monster.

What did you do this weekend? Did you have a Sunday Funday too? Or did your inner health nut triumph over the alcoholic monster?

Resolutions for 2011

As the first week of the New Year draws to and end, I guess it's time to share with you my resolution for 2011.

2010 was a year of lots of changes for me. I'm finally standing still in one place and I'm taking stock of my life and I'm realizing that maybe I'm not really where I want to be...



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The past week has been a reflective one as I've been trying to figure out where I want to be, what I want to do with my life. What is making me unhappy? What things make me happy? I've also been trying to identify what's holding me back or more precisely, what I'm doing that holding me back. Why am I still single? Why am I not even up for dating right now? Why do I keep meeting men with girlfriends? Why do I lately feel that my life is on more of a destructive path than a positive one?

After giving these questions a lot of thought, I could only come to one conclusion: I don't love myself very much right now. And I realize that if I don't love myself very much, if I'm not feeling like I'm in a positive place, if working more toward self-destruction than self-improvement, if I'm engaging in negative behaviours rather than in positive ones, if I'm being unhealthy rather than striving for healthiness, if I'm running away from things rather than embracing the world around me and trying to make it a better place, and again if I don't love myself very much then it's most likely going to be pretty hard for me to find anyone else to love me.

So, my new year's resolution for 2011 is

LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF MORE

That's it. Learn to love myself more.

Under this massive generalization, there are many sub-categories such as: 

• Drink Less
• Eat healthier
• Exercise more
• Drink more water
• Have a bikini-ready body by beach 2011
• Focus on positive things
• Limit negative interactions with negative people
• Only pursue men worth pursuing - i.e. Ask men up front if they have a girlfriend and walk away right away if they say that they do
• Read more
• Take some classes
• Do things that I love to do - like throw parties, travel, run, read, write 
• Be ok with being single until I find the right person

I've kicked started the year with more focus on healthy eating. I've started eating porridge (my work has a porridge bar) for breakfast - you know the really boring unsweetened kind that is super good for you and is kind of tasteless. I have to say though, it makes a difference. I feel a lot less hungry throughout the day. I've also sadly gotten rid of the glass of red wine I was unfortunately getting into a habit of drinking every night as I caught up on blogs. I miss it. Oh boy do I miss it. I'm now drinking tea instead. I still don't really like tea... But I feel better now that I'm not drinking every night.

Unfortunately, the bar at work still pulls me in and on Friday night I had too much beer and felt hungover Saturday... Oh well. Baby steps. I didn't say I was quitting drinking - that would be boring. But I'm going to try to drink a bit less (and get in less trouble as a result) over all.

I've also managed to make it to the gym 5 times this week despite a cold. And tomorrow Boot Camp starts up again. Someone please please please remind me why I thought that doing a 6am Boot Camp in Boston in JANUARY was a good idea? I'm going to FREEZE!!! Say nothing of the fact that my heat is for some reason not working in my apartment (my little gas fireplace is attempting to heat the place until the management company can take a look tomorrow).

The last two weeks in Jan, I'm planning a 10 day detox from alcohol and bad foods. I'm sure I'll write more about this later.

Other than that... I'm trying to figure out what things make me happy. I love having things to look forward to so I'm trying to create things in the future that I'm excited about. I'm looking forward to a trip to London and Stockholm (primarily for business but with some long weekends thrown in to see friends) at the end of Jan/beginning of Feb. I'm planning to throw a Valentine's Day party. I'm hoping to plan a long weekend in Miami with girlfriends. I'm going to SXSW in Austin (work is sending me) which is hopefully going to be great!

So, that's it. My New Year's resolution for 2011. What's yours?

My First American Thanksgiving (since 2002)



Photo courtesy of Zwani.com



So, this is the International Woman of Mystery's first Thanksgiving in the US since 2002 - when I was home briefly between living in Bali and living in China.

I wish I could say that I was so happy to be back and celebrating this great American tradition. And I am happy to be back in many ways.

But mostly, today, I felt lonely, underwhelmed, and out-of-place.

First of all, the holidays are often a bit tough and lonely when you are single. There is no special person  who you look forward to spending a long cozy weekend with. Who can brighten up an ordinary day or holiday as the case my be, and make it wonderful. There is no one causing you to look forward to the holiday just because you know that no matter what, just sharing it with them will make it special and fun and just perfect.

Adding to this sense of loneliness, my family is rather small - so they don't really fill the void that being without a partner creates. Although I have various Aunts and Uncles and cousins, they are scattered about the US and we don't tend to spend holidays together.

My immediate family is my mother, my father, my brother and I. Growing up, we celebrated most holidays with my grandparents (mostly the ones on my father's side). Sometimes our cousins would join for a big dinner at my grandparent's house. But often it was just the 6 of us. But my grandmother - who was the one who made holidays so festive and special - passed away a couple years ago (and is missed by me every single day) and my grandfather is now in the nursing home.

We are now in that phase of life where grandparents are no longer around and neither children nor even significant others (for my brother and I) have yet to arrive (perhaps in my family they never will). And let me tell you holidays suddenly have become rather sad and lacking in some sort of magical spirit that only the very young or the very old can bring to the holidays. Without my grandparents around, holidays have stopped being so special and magical.

My mother is not a big holiday person -and neither is my father. And although they did a great job at making the holidays meaningful when we were younger, as we got older, it was my grandparents who made the holidays special and festive and preserved the traditions. In other words, once the holidays stopped being about the children, they started to be about the grandparents. And in a natural cycle of life, once the grandparents are no longer around, ideally there are children around to fill the void and the cycle continues - but since neither my brother nor I are planning to push out babies anytime soon.... well, we have interrupted the natural cycle and this leads to a very unsatisfactory feeling during the holidays.

And let me tell you, I'm the kind of person who LOVES holidays! There is no 'Ba-humbug' here.  I can see myself in the future as the crazy lady who always invites the entire extended family over to her way too over-decorated house to over-indulge in lots of holiday goodies and goes totally way over the top every time - and loves it!

So, as I mentioned, my first Thanksgiving back in the US was rather underwhelming. My brother decided not to come home for Thanksgiving (despite being in Boston on Monday - he is now in DC playing music). My Aunt who was supposed to visit but got sick and didn't come. My father, my mother and I drove 2 hours (and then 3 hours back) to see my grandfather in the nursing home where we had bland stuffing and mashed potatoes and dry turkey. The best part about the meal was the gravy.

No. Of course the best part was being with my parents and my grandfather (don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that my grandfather is still around and that I could be with him on this day and I wouldn't have it any other way). But let's face it spending Thanksgiving at a nursing home is never ideal and I couldn't help but feel  a little sad. I couldn't help but miss my grandmother. I couldn't help but reminisce about Thanksgivings past when my grandfather was young and healthy and would proudly cut the turkey and say grace (he is so much the same but at the same time so different than he used to be and sometimes it breaks my heart). I couldn't help but feel envious of friends and colleagues who were participating in large happy Thanksgiving dinners full of lots of family and friends as we sat at a lonely table in the nursing home cafeteria choking down dry turkey and screaming across the table at each other so that my grandfather (who is hard of hearing) can hear us.

It's funny because while living abroad, every year I definitely missed Thanksgiving and was sad not to be at home with my family. But this year, I found myself missing Europe - especially Sweden. I even found myself missing Swedish food! Cranberry sauce is just so similar to lingonberry sauce (a typical Swedish dish - if you are interested to try it, just go to Ikea and get the meatballs, it will come on the side) and I found myself wishing it tasted more like lingon (and laughing at myself because I remember the first time I had lingonberry sauce, I wanted it to be more like cranberry sauce).

And I found myself thinking that the Thanksgiving spread is nothing compared to a typical Swedish Christmas smorgasbord! If I had to choose, I would choose the Swedish julbord (Christmas table) over Thanksgiving any day. But I remember those first years in Sweden that I spent thinking that Swedish holiday food just didn't live up to American holiday food. I wonder when my point of reference changed? It was so gradual. I didn't notice it at all. One day I just felt more Swedish than American I guess...

I also have spent some time today reminiscing about Thanksgiving days spent abroad. Of course I was always working on Thanksgiving day and for the most part, Thanksgiving was a non-event. But I do remember each year recognizing the fact that it was Thanksgiving and thinking about that throughout the day.

I remember the year in China where we had great plans to either order in (you could literally order in a Thanksgiving dinner from the American store) a Thanksgiving dinner or go out to eat. But we started drinking right after work and this lead to us ordering pizza which led to us drinking bijao (Chinese rice wine - NEVER a good idea, trust me on this one), and then going to a karaoke bar and belting out American songs totally wasted.

I remember at least 2 Thanksgivings where I had big work dinners in Stockholm. I remember the Europeans toasting me and the other Americans because it was Thanksgiving. I remember wishing I was having turkey rather than salmon. I remember a Thanksgiving spent mostly on a plane back from Moscow. I remember a Thanksgiving where I had take-out Thai food. I remember a Thanksgiving where I ordered a turkey panini from the Cafe down the street and lit a candle and had a glass of wine and sat alone in my apartment wishing I was in the US. I remember last year in London going to a friend's house where this British guy cooked the most awesome Thanksgiving dinner for his American girlfriend and her American friends.

And while this year, I'm thankful for many things - including my family, my grandfather, my friends in the US and all around the world, my new life in Boston, my health, the fact that I have a great job, my awesome new apartment...

I've decided that this will be my last Thanksgiving in the US until I have children. A four day weekend for a holiday I find that I don't care about too much anymore, is way too good to waste. Next year, I'm jumping on a plane to Europe or Latin America or Africa or wherever I feel is interesting (probably Sweden).

And someday, if I ever settle down and find a husband and have children, then no matter where I live in the world, I'm going to throw a HUGE Thanksgiving dinner for all my friends and relatives and make sure that it's a bright and happy and fun-filled day!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

An International Woman of Mystery's Awesome Guide to the Do and Do NOTS of moving

Guess what?

I'm baaaack!!!! Yay! I never meant to be away for so long. Moving is very very hard. Let me tell you. But I'm happy to say that I now have an apartment. And it even has a few pieced of furniture in it. Tomorrow I have 40 boxes (and no idea where I am going to put them) being delivered from London so I will finally have all my stuff! I will also get a couch delivered tomorrow.

I just have to say that these last couple weeks have been REALLY REALLY hard. I can't wait to put this all behind me and start living and enjoying life again and blogging on a regular basis. I have missed you all so much!

I have so much to update you all on. But let's start with a list that will give you some major insight as to what has been going on in my life.

The International Woman of Mystery's Guide to the DO's and DO NOTS of moving

Do NOT think that moving will be easy. Do not even think that it will not be that hard. Tell yourself it's going to suck and make sure you set your expectations right from the beginning.

DO try to keep a positive attitude even when it seems that life is working against you in every single way possible

If possible, DO NOT start a new job that is hard and difficult at the SAME time as you are moving. This will make your life very difficult.

DO NOT think that you will get a good deal (aka cheap apartment) in Beacon Hill.

DO NOT think that your Beacon Hill apartment will be big. It will not be. In fact you do not even want to calculate the rent per square foot. It might make you cry.

DO NOT constantly compare the small small one bedroom Beacon Hill apartment to your huge two bedroom London flat.

DO realize that your Beacon Hill apartment is actually nicer than your London one... just a LOT smaller.

DO be thankful for your walk in closets - remind yourself how rare this is in Beacon Hill (and try not to dwell on how much it all costs).

When looking at apartments, DO take note of important things like the fact that there is a loud generator outside of the bedroom window that creates a loud buzzing sound that is enough to drive you absolutely insane and will ensure that you will never ever be able to open the window. DO NOT sign a lease without checking up on that shit more than once!

DO NOT stress too much about it when you realize that the living room windows in your apartment look DIRECTLY into the windows of one of your married male colleagues (yes, awesome things like this happen to me).

DO take a strong note that you had better keep those shades locked down!

DO NOT expect that moving into an apartment that has NO furniture at all will be anything like moving into a completely furnished apartment. Believe me, it's a whole new ball game.


DO NOT sign up for a 6 am boot camp class (every single morning) when you are in the middle of a move.

DO NOT think that you will be able to have any form of a personal life or social life while you are in the middle of a move.

DO try to blog but do NOT beat yourself up if you cannot manage it because you are so tired that it's all you can do to keep your eyes open when you realize that it's midnight and you are nowhere near done with your to-do list and you think about opening up your computer but realize that nothing good is going to flow from your fingers to your blog. Seriously. Don't feel guilty. (I'm still working on this one).

DO ask your friends for help.

DO make sure you have a LOT of money. Moving is freaking crazy expensive.

DO have a really awesome friend like I'm Attractive Single Friend C who let's you stay at her place for a very long time and takes trips with you to Ikea and offer you lots moral support

DO have awesome parents who will help you in your time of need.

DO set a time limit for your Ikea trip. That store is MASSIVE. You could live there. Or at least stay there for forever.

DO have a list when going to Ikea - focus, focus, focus.

DO NOT go to Ikea 1 hour before it closes and expect to get a lot done (although I might have set a world record for being in and out in an hour with a full bedroom set

DO expect and plan to go back to Ikea more than once... It happens.

When the man delivering the mattress tells you that there is just no way he is going to get it up the stairs and is generally just being mean to you, DO start to cry. Believe me if there are enough tears, he will get that mattress up the stairs just to shut you up.

Do NOT expect any delivery or assembly men to come anywhere NEAR the time they tell you they are going to be there. Be prepared to wait around the house the ENTIRE weekend.

DO right mean yelp reviews of companies like Urban Express who really messed up your life by making a prisoner in your furniture-less apartment all weekend while you stood (because there is no furniture to sit on) around waiting for them to arrive for hours and hours just to finally find out (after you called them 5 times) that they will not make it until tomorrow - and then repeat the whole process.

DO NOT use the company Urban Express which is the company the Ikea in Stoughton, Ma uses for deliveries and assemblies (the delivery was ok, the assembly was a nightmare - I waited for the guys for about 10 hours in total and waited on the phone for 45 minutes talking to incompetent staff each of the 12 times I had to call them to check where the assembly guys were).

DO grin and bear it when the delivery men and assembly men call you "cute" nicknames like "beautiful" and "honey" - decide that if it makes them get shit done faster, it's worse a little degradation

DO try to see the humor in everything even when all you really want to do is cry and cry and cry

DO let yourself have a major breakdown on a Friday night when it all seems impossible and your are so miserable in your furniture-less apartment in a new city and are so homesick for Europe and your friends there.

DO try to wake up with a more positive attitude on Saturday morning

DO NOT think that you will not need a winter jacket in Boston in November. DO pack this in your things you are bringing with you.

DO NOT think that you will not need summer running clothes in Boston in October. Do remember that sometimes it is 70 degrees one day and 30 degrees the next day.

DO NOT think too much about Europe and all your friends there who you miss so much.

DO NOT freak out when you pull the Ikea furniture out of a box and you end up with 300 small pieces. This is normal. Take a deep breath. And then begin the long assembly process.

DO know that building Ikea furniture has a big learning curve. It does get easier. Although not that much easier.

DO NOT make fun of your father when he wears dorky knee pads to put together your furniture. DO remember that he is there to help.

DO covet your fathers kneepads (although still wonder why he needed to put them on in the street OUTSIDE your apartment where he then has to walk two blocks with them on) when you have been kneeling for 4 hours putting together furniture on the hardwood floor and have massive bruises on your knee

DO consider asking your father if you can borrow the kneepads... Although DO NOT even for a moment consider wearing them OUTSIDE the apartment.

DO NOT think twice about buying a wine opener even though one is eventually coming in your boxes from London. You are going to need a LOT of wine to get through this.

DO NOT think that it is a good idea to drink while putting together Ikea furniture. This will inevitably lead to big messes. Although DO consider drinking if it is the only way that you can convince yourself to stay at home on BOTH Friday and Saturday night and put together said furniture.

If you DO drink while putting together Ikea furniture (hey, sometimes it just has to be done) DO make sure you put aside some time the next day to fix all the stuff you put together wrong.

DO set a hard date on when you are determined to be finished with the move by having a housewarming party (mine is November 20th).

DO try not to stress about 40 boxes coming to your tiny apartment tomorrow! I will for sure update you and let you know how that goes.

And the number one piece of advice that this International Woman of Mystery has for all those other hot messes who are considering a move:

DO NOT MOVE ANYWHERE UNLESS YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

DO MAKE SURE THAT A BOYFRIEND IS ON HAND TO HELP YOU WITH THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL HEAVY LIFTING ASPECTS OF YOUR MOVE!

I promise to write again soon! I think I'm just about ready to be back to normal blogging (although this damn Boot Camp is sure not helping things) Miss you all!

Kisses and hugs and glasses of vino.

First Weekend Back Home

photo courtesy of portfolio.kevinthom.com

So, yeah. I survived my first weekend in the countryside. And it was a long weekend as today is Columbus Day (you know 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...). 

In case you are interested, the weekend was kind of like this:

On Friday night after the car purchasing experience, I stayed home BY MYSELF as my parents ditched me for dinner with friends (see how happy they are that I'm home). So, I ordered  Chinese take-out and watched a documentary on TV (oh man did the millions of channels overwhelm my non-TV watching self) on Hippies that was kind of interesting.

On Saturday I spent time on the phone with the car insurance agency, then ran 4.5 miles and did some core exercises (apparently according to Mr. Personal Trainer, I have a weak core - so I'm trying to improve on this. Damn planks. They kick my ass - or my abs as it may be).

Then I jumped in the shower quickly as I had agreed to meet a high school friend - the boy who shared the locker next to mine for 6 years (poor boy) who I have known since I was 3. Locker Boy had seen that I was moving home on Facebook and had a little too eagerly gotten in touch with me.

He originally suggested that we go hiking in the Berkshires - where he lives now. But as didn't want to drive up to the Berkshires because I hate to drive I had some stuff to do in the morning, I suggested he come down here instead. He then suggested that we go kayaking. It was an absolutely gorgeous crisp autumn day so I agreed.*

As I was rushing to get ready, I realized that this felt kinda like a date. Weird. And while this guy is nice and good-looking-ish and I did have a crush on him for about 5 minutes in the EIGHTH GRADE, these days, he is not really my type. I mean he is the typical, small-town, baggy stonewashed jeans and Red Sox hat wearing, Republican type of American boy.

Speaking of clothes... I realized that once again, as per usual, I had packed like an asshole (it happens every time). I did not have any appropriate country-activity type of clothes with me (remember, I have just 2 suitcases of stuff with me, the rest is on a boat from England). Skinny jeans and high heels did not really seem appropriate for kayaking... Neither did a dress. Besides, what do you wear for kayaking anyway? I have only been kayaking in a bathing suite in the summer. Exasperated with my lack of kayak clothing options and running late (as per usual), I decided to throw on a skirt while fixing my hair and makeup and figure out what to wear later.

Unfortunately Locker Boy arrived before I got around the changing my clothes again. He laughed at my outfit and told me it was not appropriate for kayaking. "Don't you have any jeans?" he asked.


"Ummm... only skinnny jeans."

"Sweat pants?"

"Ummm... no. I will sort something out," I said and left him alone with my parent's dog while I scrambled to assemble an appropriate kayaking outfit.

I finally settled on black khaki-type pants, sneakers, sweater, scarf and jacket. I grabbed the skirt though and a pair of boots and decided to bring them with me.

Locker Boy deemed my outfit appropriate but laughed at me for bringing a skirt with me.

Anyway, we drove up on small country roads taking in the beautiful autumn scenery (seriously, I cannot say this too many times NOTHING BEATS FALL IN NEW ENGLAND) to some small town I had never heard of (we are talking hickville here) and went out kayaking on a big lake. 

photo courtesy of jasonfarnsworth.com



Not to brag or anything, but I do have to admit that I was kind of awesome at kayaking and Locker Boy was struggling to catch up - for real. He had a laugh at this because his father (who the kayak's belonged to) was all worried that I wouldn't be able to kayak at all. Jeez. This family has known me since I was a little kid. They should know how sporty I am!

It was lovely out on the lake - we kayaked from one end to the other taking just over an hour to do so and feeling pretty tired by the end. It was a beautiful day but windy and the water was extremely choppy and we ended up soaking wet! Well let me tell you, I was the one laughing when after getting completely soaked kayaking, I could slip into my skirt and boots and be all nice and dry while Locker Boy had to endure his wet jeans!

We then decided to head to the local pub where they make their own micro-brew (the master brewer graduated with us from high school - see it's that kind of small town that my parents live in). There we had pints - oops... I guess pints are in the British word. I think in America it's drafts?

Anyway, we had some drafts of the local brew. Another thing I LOVE about America: micro-brews! I had yummy American Wheat beer (or 2 or possibly 3) and also a fabulous pumpkin spice beer. Gotta love America and all it's flavour options (if you are American, you know what I mean - and no this does not exist in other countries like it does here - I have never seen pumpkin spice listed as a flavor outside the good old USA). I'm feeling fall festive and so I'm loving pumpkin flavors right now (seems like everything from coffee, to muffins, to beer has this option here).

Locker Boy was interesting to talk to and surprisingly a good conversationalist. Although the interesting part is that we were so different. He was Mr. American and I was Ms International... He was all waxing poetic about why guns are great (Yes Europe, I'm so serious here) and I was all like - "guns are illegal in Europe and therefore the homicide rate is lower." I told him that cops in the London do not even carry guns (thank you Mr. Sexy Policeman for that bit of info) and he found this hard to believe. Although we were both stumped over the question of how to "de-gun" America if it ever came to that (I admit that would be a hard one), leading him to conclude that my visions of a gun-free America are ridiculous and therefore I should suck it up and learn to love guns. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? Right? Well maybe that will be my next purchase after the apartment - KIDDING!

He admitted he has conservative views - i.e. he is was against abortion and gay marriage and thinks Obama's an idiot. I actually kept my mouth shut and left him to his right-wing views without trying to argue for once - actually I was shocked silent since I had forgotten that yes, this is America. I realized that I'm kind of ill-equipped to go head-to-head on American politics at the moment. I need a quick brush up on American politics and to figure out where I stand exactly on key issues (it's strange but it was easy to not pick sides on American politics while living abroad, and I'm used to being the conservative one when discussing politics with Europeans).

And of course I talked about my life abroad and my travels. He seemed impressed with all the places that I had been. And of course talking about traveling got me excited and all I wanted to do was get back on a plane and go back abroad. (Sob).

And then we had this conversation which I feel perfectly exemplifies why it's going to be so hard to fit back into American life:


Him: "Like are there any countries you would never go to? I mean, like why would you want to go to Iceland? You wouldn't ever go there right?"

Me: "Well, I was actually there on Wednesday..."

Silence.

Locker Boy: "You are kidding right?"

Me: "Well no, I technically was only at the airport so that doesn't really count. But yes, I was in Iceland on Wednesday for 2 hours, so I'm not lying. But I hear it's a cool place and it is somewhere I really want to go and hang out..."

Silence.

Locker Boy: "Wow. It's kind of hard to talk to you. You have done everything. I have done nothing unless you count going to New Orleans two years ago."

Silence.

So... there it is. My life as an International Woman of Mystery is over. And not only that. Having that experience makes me weird and just plain hard to talk to. Great!

And so the date ended - and admitedly conservative talk aside, I had a really nice time. I went home and hung out with my parents and their dog and their cat and my blog.

On Sunday, I laid out at the pool and willed the autumn sun to give me some color - it did but only a little. Then went for a 6 mile run followed by more exercises. Then my Mom made me my favorite lobster dinner!

On Monday, I spent the morning searching apartment listings in Boston (next task) and doing more move-related emailing (i.e. trying to get my security deposit back from my London apartment, arguing on the phone with British Telecom over my bill - again, trying to figure how to wire my money from my London account to my US account, and hassling with the movers over my customs documents). And then I spent the afternoon at the mall wherea among other things I purchased an IPAD!!!!

As if it wasn't enough that I bought a car this weekend, I had to then rush out and buy and Ipad too (say nothing of a few new clothes to update the back-to-work wardrobe). Let me tell you, the Ipad is soooo cool (except for the fact that you cannot blog on it - you can read blogs, but you can't blog, or at least I can't find the right app - does anyone know of one)?

Is it really bad that I secretly think that my Ipad is cooler than my new car? Although I might change my mind tomorrow when I actually take possession of the car.

So, that was it. My exciting first weekend back in the US. A far cry from my club nights and meeting hot boys in London... And a bit more expensive too.*

*When talking about what "moving home" would be like, my Swedish friends tried to reassure me that my life in the US wouldn't be so different than my life anywhere else. I told them they were crazy. I was all like "Hello? Boston is a small city with a very student oriented night life. The bars close at 1 or 2 am. There is no hot single 30 something scene like there is in Stockholm. There are no nightclubs like there are in London. My life is totally going to change. I'm going to spend my weekends hiking and doing outdoorsy sporty country things."


But Swedish ladies - here's your proof! This International Woman of Mystery has become a Country Girl!

They didn't believe me...

Back 'Home'

So. I'm 'home.' I landed yesterday in Boston and am now at my parents in Western Massachusetts.

The last weeks have been tough. Full of anxiety, preparations, packing, worrying about things, turning off gas/electricity/Internet/water, canceling things, worrying about things, goodbye dinners and parties, lots  of sad goodbyes and lots of worrying about things.

It was difficult to say goodbye to friends and colleagues in London and Sweden. And throughout all the sad goodbyes. I did not cry. Some of my friends cried. Some of my colleagues even got a bit teary eyed. But I did not cry.

I did not even cry when I found out that the cost of shipping my stuff home would cost $1,000 more than what I budgeted (that's right it apparently costs a whopping $5,000 to 43 boxes of "six years of stuff" from London to the US).

I did not even cry when I found out I was loosing part of my security deposit on the crazy expensive London apartment for stupid reasons like a stain on a bedspread that I had professionally cleaned and then never used!

I did not even cry at the airport in Stockholm where I started to get this panicked feeling when I realized that after this plane ride, I had no more trips scheduled. I can't remember the last time that I had no trips (and no plane rides) scheduled. For the past 9 years, my crazy travel schedule has ruled my life. And I hated it. But I also loved it. At least life was never ever boring.

I did not even cry on the plane when I watched a movie with a scene filmed on King's Road right down from where my London apartment used to be and I at first felt that jolt of excitement and then extreme sadness when I realized that I no longer live there anymore.

I did not even cry when I got all the emails and texts from my colleagues who are in Dubai (where I would have been if I had not decided to switch jobs and countries) and having a blast celebrating a good end to our sales year.

I did not even cry when I arrived 'home' and felt this deep sense of loss and sorrow as I realized that perhaps my whole life is behind me and all the good things, the fun things, the things that make me me, the glamour of an international life, the nightclubs, the boys, the ridiculous drinks, the amazing international friends, the partying in different cities, the amazing friends around the world, that those things are now in my past and the future is a big lackluster unknown.

I did not even cry when today - on my first day home in the US - I got that familiar feeling of already wanting to get back on a plane and return to my 'home' abroad as that is where I feel that I belong... and then realizing that there is no more 'home' abroad. That I am here and here is now 'home' whether I belong here or not.

I didn't cry because I'm afraid if I started to cry, then the floodgates would be open I would never be able to stop crying. Because right now it seems there is more to be sad about than happy about. More to be worried about than to be content about. More to be anxious about than to look forward to.

Ahead of me is a mountain of 'stuff to do' like: find a car to buy, figure out how to finance the car, find an apartment, find a place to stay until I can start the lease on the apartment, read some books for work, fill out the customs forms to bring all my stuff into the country, pay the movers, figure out storage for all my stuff because it seems to be arriving before I will have an apartment, try to contact old friends, try to make new friends, figure out Internet dating in the US, find a man, start my new job.

But those are just tasks. They are practicals to take care of. They are not plans. They are not fun. They are the details of life but not the substance. 

I feel like I'm at the bottom of the mountain of  'stuff to do to get settled in' and I'm not sure what I will find when I get to the top of that mountain. And I'm so afraid that I'm going to look around, take in the view of 'my new stationary life' I'm not going to like what I see. That I'm not going to know who I am anymore when I'm stuck in the city of Boston and no longer a jet-set International Woman of Mystery.

There are so many unknowns right now and the control freak in me is completely freaking out.

Picture courtesy of webecoist.com

But this morning while driving with my father I saw a rainbow and this evening while running, I saw another one. I take this as a good sign. An omen. Two omens actually.

So, despite wanting to just cry, I am holding out a rainbow fueled hope (however small it may feel) that all the fun in my life is not in my past. That there somewhere in the future, good things are going to happen to me.

Things I'm looking forward to about moving home

So... Today is my last night in London. Can you believe it? Cuz I can't!

Feels very strange to be in my empty apartment (and very terrible to be sleeping in my bed without my memory foam mattress)! The movers came yesterday and packed up 6 years of stuff in 43 boxes. How did I manage to accumulate that much stuff? I have no idea. I guess it's on its way back to Boston now. It will meet me there in 6 - 8 weeks (I hope).

Today was the cleaning of my apartment. And tomorrow is the final check out (and please oh please let me get my 2,700 GBP security deposit back because I really need it to buy furniture in Boston).

It all feels so unreal.

Tonight The Company had a really nice dinner for me and we reminisced about the last 6 years and The President and VP said really nice things and we recalled lost of fond memories from back in the day when we were younger... (They also gave me some really nice gifts). It made me sad and nostalgic. It was hard. Tomorrow - the last day in the office - that will be hard too.

I'm not leaving The Company but I'm completely changing products/divisions/industries and although I know it's time for a change, I can't help but to feel sad about leaving my current product and all the great people I have worked with for the past 6 years.

And I'm surprised and humbled at all the nice things people have to say about working with me and that it truly feels like they might miss me as much as I will miss them.

I have to say - I hate goodbyes. As much as this has all been nice and sweet, I overwhelmingly feel like it is something to be endured and I keep wishing there was a fast forward button so I could get off this emotional rollar coaster I've been riding for far too long now. Above all, I'm determined not to cry. What's the point? I have to just look forward and move ahead. And hope that good things are waiting in my future.

Tomorrow I fly to Stockholm to hang out for a few days. Good friend J is getting married to S on Saturday (stay tuned for the final wedding blog post of the year) and I'm looking forward to that. And in general, I'm looking forward to catching up with the girls, participating in the Stockholm nightlife (Beware Berns - I'm going to kill it on Friday night), having fika, shopping at H&M, running in Hagerparken and generally soaking up as much Stockholm awesomeness as I can before leaving on a one way flight to Boston next Wednesday (sob).

So... I might go off the radar for a few days but am sure to catch up with you all soon when I'm back in the US!

In the meantime... here's the deal, I'm totally nervous and kind of dreading moving back to Boston - as you can see from many of my latest posts. But there are a few things that I'm secretly looking forward to.

So, I leave you with this small list:

Things I'm looking forward to about moving home:

Autumn in New England - Is there anything better than Autumn in New England? I don't think so actually! I have felt sad about missing New England Autumn every year. Autumn everywhere is kind of nice and special and gives you that cozy nostalgic feeling. But, every single Autumn that I've spent outside New England, I've been thoroughly disappointed. Because when it's Autumn - there is truly no place like home!*

Lobster and clam chowder - It will be nice to eat my favorite New England foods more often. As my Mother advised when I was very little: "Never eat lobster or clam chowder outside of New England unless you want to be very disappointed." I have to say that she was totally right. And the few times I made the mistake... I did regret it (unless it was imported from New England of course - for real, I've had Maine lobster in China).

The Red Sox, The Patriots, The Bruins, The Celtics - I'm not the world's biggest sports fan (i.e. I did not stay up to ridiculously late hours just to watch New England sports teams while living abroad. In fact, apart from my updates from my Father -a real sports enthusiast). And over the years I have become pretty out of touch with the world of New England sports. But I do kind of miss watching sports and I'm looking forward to being swept away by the sports enthusiasm of Boston. Go Pats!

Being closer to family - It will be nice to have my parents just 2 hours away and to get to see my grandfather more. I also hope to soon visit my cousin and her kids in Maine!

The countryside - London is a great city and the country is definitely accessible, but it doesn't feel like the countryside is in the city, the way it did in Stockholm. I've found myself desperately craving the countryside. It will be nice to be in Boston with a car and able to drive home to my parent's house or go up to New Hampshire or Maine when I need a quick countryside fix.

Reuniting with old friends - I don't have a big social group that I'm going back to in Boston. I've been away way too long. Most of my Boston friends have moved outside the city and are working on building their families. But there are a few people that have reached out to me and I'm looking forward to reconnecting with them. And I'm hoping they will become my new cast of characters in my blog - Sexy Single Friend C, Lovely couple L and P and SB - I'm looking at you! And for all you unsuspecting Bostonians who do not know me yet... all I can say is WATCH OUT!!! Boston here I come! Get ready for it!

Mexican food - I love Mexican food. But it's extremely difficult if not impossible to find it abroad. And never have I ever encountered a place abroad that does a decent burrito. Can't wait to eat some yummy Mexican. (drool)

Whole Foods and Trader Joes - These are the best stores ever! I absolutely love Whole Foods and Trader Joes is great as well. And although there was a Whole Foods in South Kensington, it wasn't very convenient to where I lived. Luckily, Whole Foods in Boston will be easily accessible by car (because yes, I will have a car).

Dunkin Donuts - I love their coffee. And there is just something about going through a drive through that makes me feel so American.

Salad Bars - I love me a good old "make your own salad" bar. I have never seen this concept in any other country. My office restaurant has a make your own salad bar and I can't wait to hit that!

American Gyms - I am so tired of the crowded, hot, small and windowless European gyms. I'm looking forward to the big, spacious and better equipped gyms in the US. And maybe if I'm lucky there will be some cute men there too!

Running on the Charles - Guess I'm trading the Thames for the Charles. But in terms of beauty, I think the Charles wins... Can't wait for lovely runs on the river!

Proximity to Latin America - I'm gonna miss Europe, but I am hoping to do a bit more traveling in Latin America and that is much easier from the US. And a long weekend in Miami wouldn't be too bad either!

The weather - Boston might not have the best weather in the world, but compared to London and Sweden it's pretty freaking fantastic! And as you drive everywhere in the US anyway, the weather becomes much less of a big deal. Say nothing of the fact that there is so much more light in the winter (although I guess that conversely means that there is so much less light in the summer).

*I'm pretty sure that Autumn doesn't need a capital at the beginning of it... But I'm too lazy to either look it up or go back and fix it. My blog. My rules. For me, Autumn has a capital A.