A Little Sunday Rant

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Thanks everyone for your really nice comments on my last post. I have missed you all too! I'm glad to be back.

I'm sorry to say that right now I'm going to have a little Sunday rant.

So, here I am having a really tough time with the move back. And there I am out with some friends who were asking me about my dating life and I admitted that it was pretty lacking. That I really wasn't trying very hard to date but that I was having trouble meeting Boston men who were interesting to me or were interested in me. When pressed more as to what was wrong with Boston men and what was I looking for... I tried to honestly express how I feel.

I said that I'm not so interested in men who are really into JUST sports and local Boston culture. I don't see myself dating a guy who has lived in Boston (or the surrounding towns) his whole life and that's what he wants to do for the whole rest of his life. I just don't see that happening. I don't see myself dating someone who doesn't ever want to leave Boston and live abroad.

My friends then asked me if I realized that the things I was saying were highly offensive.

Offensive? What?

I was shocked. No. It had NEVER ever occurred to me that the things I was saying might be offensive because it has NEVER ever occurred to me to judge other people or criticize them for wanting different things than I do. While I don't particularly want to date someone who only wants to live in Boston for the rest of their life, I absolutely do not judge them for their decision. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm envious of them for having figured out where they want to live and what they want in life while I'm still searching.

The things I was saying should never have been taken as offensive because they were never meant to offend. They were words said with no judgement or criticism of anyone else but perhaps only with a inner sadness of knowing that most men do not want to date a girl who doesn't necessarily see herself living in this country for the rest of her life. And sadly, I don't want know what I want in life and also don't want to limit myself to living here when right now it's making me miserable.

I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I absolutely do not judge people for living and staying in the US. And I do not judge the people on the street of Boston for being Bostonians and loving their sports, their country, their beer, their American life. I am absolutely not criticizing them or looking down on them. They are my parents, my friends, my co-workers. What kind of person would I be if I walked around judging them? But what kind of person would I be if I decided to date them just to feel trapped and then decide months later to jump on a plane and go live somewhere else.

I will admit that when I first started traveling, I felt a small level of superiority. I had escaped my small town, I was seeing the world, I was doing something different. I was taking the road less traveled, I was living my dream of being an international woman. But over the years I have revised that feeling and rather than feeling superior to those who settled down somewhere, I feel envious of them.

The change in feeling was fueled (as so many things are these days) by Facebook. I suddenly had a direct view into the lives of people who I went to high school and college with who made different decisions than me. I suddenly had a better peak into the life I didn't choose (but always secretly wished I did), the life I chose to leave behind and go searching for something else, something better? (for me) perhaps in different countries around the world. But what I found when I looked into their pictures and saw their status updates, was that they were HAPPY! Really and truly happy. And I realized that it's not about where you live or what you are doing that matters, it's about how happy you are with where you are and what you are doing. And I also realized that while flitting around the world has been extremely interesting and eye-opening, it hasn't necessarily contributed to my overall happiness or personal well-being. In fact, if I am honest with myself, I would bet that most of the people whose lives I was stalking on Facebook, are probably a lot happier than me. And it was with that realization that I dropped any last bit of superiority or judgement that I might have had towards other people who have made the choice not to dance around the world trying to find themselves.

If anything. I judge myself for being different. These days I'm full of quite a bit of self-hatred because most of all, I know that fact that I'm not fitting in here has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with anyone else. I hate myself for not knowing where I want to live or what I want to do in life. I hate myself for not coming back home and fitting back in. I hate myself for not knowing if I want the American dream, or the Swedish dream or even the London dream. I hate myself for being so torn as to what I want in life. I hate that I'm still searching for something or someone when everyone else is settling down, getting married and having kids. You see... I want those things too. But I realize that I can't really have them until I make some other decisions about my life - like what country I want to live in or where is "home" to me.

And by the way, I've also TRIED to date an All-American guy. When I graduated college I dated the All-American boy who lived down the street from my parents. He had been my high school crush. He was your typical All-American guy. He loved his micro-brews and his Bud Light equally. He listened to Dave Mathews and the Grateful Dead incessantly. He was passionate about sports and would never miss a Red Sox game. He loved BBQ's and hot summer nights. He wore a baseball cap and sports shirts. His dress up clothes (that I bought him) were khakis and a polo. He loved his country. He loved his town. He loved me. Until I decided that I wanted to move to Bali to work. And then he dumped me.

And this has been the story of my life. I wanted to stay with him. I thought we could work it out. I thought that I would come home for him after I had my adventure (I knew he would never move for me). But maybe he knew me better than I knew myself at the time. He thought it was best if he let me go. "You're never going to be happy here," he told me. "You've spent the last year that we've been dating trying to convince yourself of it. But this is not meant to be. You are meant to go out and explore the world. This is what you've always wanted to do. I'm not going to be the one to hold you back."

Okay, he was not a man of many words, so he didn't put it as eloquantely as that. But that's what he meant. Over many conversations, over many years (we remain in touch), he has basically said those things to me. And he was right. I did spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that this was my "destiny." That I was going to trade in my dreams of living abroad for the "American Dream" that that would be okay.

But fate intervened and sent me to Bali and then on to the rest of my travels. And I can't help but think that was really the "right" thing for me. It was.

And it's not just American men. I had the same problem with Swedish men and I used to express the same things to my Swedish friends. I do not want to date an American who only wants to live in the US, just the same as when I lived in Sweden, I didn't want to date a Swede who would never consider leaving Sweden. I knew it was over with the Beautiful Swede when he came home with me and I talked about possibly wanting to move home and build a house in the US and live the American Dream. He essentially freaked out and told me that he did not share that dream. The he couldn't ever see himself living in the US.

So, I'm not being criticical of American men or even Swedish men or in fact any men anywhere. I'm just realizing that at least at this point, I've decided that traveling and living abroad is very important to me and that if I meet a man who doesn't share that dream, who doesn't see himself living outside of where he is from or where he lives right now, then that man is probably not the right man for me.

I want someone to share an international adventure with me. I want someone who would be flexible enough to pack up our family and move to Asia for awhile if my job (or his) asked. I want someone who could see themselves living in Sweden or the US, or London, or Dubai for that matter. I'm not done traveling. I'm still hoping that someone will someday want to join me. But I also realize that is putting a lot of limitations on not even who I would date but on who would want to date me. If there is one thing I learned again and again over the years: men don't like women who are always leaving (nor do they particularly seem to like women who are always working, or even worse traveling for their jobs).

Right now, I've been spending a lot of time trying to convince myself that Boston is right for me. But I'm not feeling it at all. And that makes me so very sad. I really hoped that I would move home and everything would fall into place and I would have that amazing "Aha" moment where I felt like "YES! THIS IS IT! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" But it hasn't happened.

And let me tell you... It's the worst feeling in the world to not feel at home in your own country. I have spent the last 9 years abroad feeling like a foreigner. And now I come home and I'm shocked and saddened to feel like that in my own country. I've never spent more time alone and sad and depressed. I've never cried myself to sleep so much.

Sometimes, I even find myself often wishing that I never lived abroad. That I had never made friends all over the world. That I had never left my home in so many places. A reader of this blog made a great comment on one of my posts. She said " I think that moving overseas is like opening Pandora's box. Once you have done it home is no longer one place but where ever you are a bit of home is where you last were." She is right. Home is everywhere that you have been and that makes it hard to really know where home is. I think that everywhere you go and live and love and learn, you leave a little peace of yourself behind. And right now I feel that I'm no longer a whole person because I have left so many pieces behind. And right now, I have no idea where I want to be or who I truly am.

Or to look at it another way,  a wise woman once told me that it's hard to live life when you have so many doors open. It's hard to know which one to go toward, which one to walk through. That to be really happy, you sometimes have to close some doors.

And that thought of closing doors scares me. I'm afraid if I close some doors I loose some part of myself. Right now I have three doors open with the words Boston, London, and Stockholm written above them.

Honestly, I would really like to meet the love of my life and fall head over heels. But as I've said before... how could anyone love me right now? How could anyone love me when I don't love myself? I don't think that falling in love can happen for me until I learn to love myself and be comfortable with where I am in my life. And part of loving myself has to be understanding myself enough to know where I want to live and what doors I'm ready to close.

And just to clarify I do not think I'm special because I've lived abroad. I do however think that I'm different from others who have not had this experience. And I do not think that is a good thing. I hate being different. All I want is to fit in. But 9 years abroad is a long time. It's my entire adult life. The influences in my life have been very international, very European and I'm struggling here in an environment that's less international with less people around me who've had a common experience. So no, I do not think I'm special. But I might feel different and I might react to things differently. I hope my friends can understand that and support me as I go through this. I hope that just as they ask that I don't judge them, that they will not judge me and that they will try to understand what I'm going through.

So, I truly apologize to my friends and to anyone else I may have unintentionally offended when I was talking about what I'm looking for in a life partner. I never meant to offend anyone. The type of person that I hold up as my "ideal" partner is not a reflection on anyone else - it's only a reflection of my own messed up self and this whole sad and confused internal battle I'm having as a result of repatriation after 9 years abroad.

Valentine's Day

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Dear Valentine's Day, 


Here you are again. No matter how much I try to wish you away, you keep popping up again every single February 14th. 


What kind of holiday are you anyway? Encouraging a celebration of love through the exchanging of cards and gifts. The giving of flowers. The going out to dinner... You are so commercial! A holiday created just to get people to spend money in the name of  "Love!" How disgusting! 


And you are so discriminatory!. What about us single people? How do you think you make us feel? Why do you need to come around and REMIND us that we have no special someone to love and no one to love us. No one to buy us chocolates or jewelery or take us out to dinner. Do you think we REALLY need to have this thrown in our face? 


How would you feel if I started a single person's holiday? Where all the single people can celebrate their freedom and their ability to date multiple people and not feel guilty about it? And we remind all the coupled up people that we never have to pick up anyone's dirty socks but our own, we never wake up freezing cold because someone stole all the covers, and we never have to think about anyone's feelings or do things we don't want to do. In fact, we can do whatever we want! Take that Mr. Couple Valentine's Day! 


Ok. Dear Valentine's Day. I'm just about done with my little rant. But to you, I say Boo!

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Needless to say, that as a single girl, Valentine's Day is not really my favorite holiday. Luckily, living abroad there has much less pressure to have fabulous Valentine's Day plans although I notice an increasing adaption over the years. This year I saw more Swedish people posting cute messages about Alla Hjärtans Dag than ever... 


But whatever... I don't totally hate the day. I just don't love it either. Especially in the US. Today at work it was all flowers and balloons and talk of romantic dinners. I made the mistake of wearing red (seriously, it was a mistake) and all day people kept telling me how festive I was. Gag. And people kept asking me what my plans were! I was like - hey I'm single, I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Ok - before you all jump down my throat, I know that I could have gotten a group of single girlfriends together to celebrate, but in fact, I don't know too many of those these days and I decided that a quiet night at home with popcorn, red wine and a movie ALONE was not too bad after all. I'm ok with it. 

However, despite my hatred of the day, I have not had such horrible Valentine's Days over the past years. And for some reason, I've spent Valentine's Day in many countries. 


Let's take a look back over the past 10 years and the places I've been (7 different countries in 10 years) and the things I've done:

• 2002 - Hometown W. Mass, USA - it was just days before I was to leave for Bali, my boyfriend at the time (the one I thought I would marry but then I pulled a runner and took off for Bali - see here for the story. Needless to say it was a bitter sweet day. I do remember receiving a dozen roses - which is possibly the only time I have received roses from a boy. They were beautiful but I was leaving and we both knew it was over. I left for Bali before the flowers had a chance to die. 
• 2003 - Hometown W. Mass, USA - I had recently returned from Bali and was about to be heading out to China. I had just started dating this guy who I had met at the gym, but the relationship had a clear expiration date as I was about to leave. I think he was babysitting his nephew and I went over and babysat with him. 
• 2004 - Chennai, India - I was dating the Scottish Boy in China but happened to be on a business trip to Chennai, India with 3 male colleagues. Needless to say, Valentine's Day was not celebrated this year - although the trip was crazy eventful on many levels including the fact that I ended up in the hospital. But that's a whole other story for another day. The Scottish Boy had actually put flowers in my apartment while I was away... I think they were dead by the time I got home to them. 
• 2005 - Stockholm - for my first Valentine's day in Stockholm, I had my German ex-boyfriend from Bali visiting me. We didn't celebrate the holiday. I was actually more than a little sad that he didn't even buy me flowers. We were not dating -he had another girlfriend and I was still in the "off/on" phase with the Scottish Boy. But, since he was staying with me, I thought he could have at least bought me flowers - especially because I had hinted at it. I suddenly remembered why our relationship didn't work in the first place. 
• 2006 - Shanghai, China - I was in an "on" period with the Scottish boy and happened to be in China for Valentine's Day (this was during the time when I was commuting back and forth between Stockholm and Shanghai). The Scottish Boy bought me flowers which we proceeded to fight over. He complained about the fact that the Chinese upped the prices for just this day due to this "stupid American: holiday (he loved to take jabs at Americans at ever chance he was given). I pointed out that the flowers were a nice idea... but as I was going back to Stockholm the next day, I wouldn't really be able to enjoy them - I was trying to hint that I wanted something more permanent - like jewelry instead. I settled for a nice dinner. 
• 2007 - Karlsruhe, Germany - I was single this year and found myself in Karlsruhe, Germany at a Trade show for work. My German colleague marked the day by giving me a Valentine's Day chocolate (which is more than I can say for the German Ex-boyfriend from 2005). The Trade Show was really boring but around 4:00 pm they kicked out all the guests and brought out the kegs of German beer (wheat beer - my favorite) and brought in a band and all the booth owners partied until the wee hours of the morning. It was an absolute blast! 
• 2008 - Russia - Moscow - I was working in Moscow this year. Valentine's Day itself was very uneventful. It seems it is not really a holiday in Russia.* However, the weekend before, I had a "Super Sexy Valentine's Day Party" at my apartment. The dress code was: lingerie. It was a crazy night! In fact, I was still hungover the following Monday (2 days later) when I boarded the flight to Moscow with my colleagues. This flight was memorable because through my hangover haze, I suddenly realized that I was the ONLY woman on the whole plane and that the entire Russian national hockey team was on the plane with us!! Happy Valentine's Day to me! 
• 2009 - Stockholm, Sweden - I was dating the Beautiful Swede this year but on the actual day of Valentine's Day, I had a wedding to attend and the Beautiful Swede was not invited. So, the Beautiful Swede and I celebrated the night before (on Friday) by making my favorite fisk gryta (fish stew) and yummy chocolate brownies. It was a really nice night. And the wedding on Valentine's Day was absolutely lovely. 
• 2010 - London, UK - I was single last year at Valentine's Day although the American Boy had just come to visit and was returning later that week. My good girl friend was visiting me from Stockholm and we celebrated Valentine's Day by having champagne tea. It was a lovely way to celebrate Valentine's Day!
• 2011 - Boston, USA - I was hoping to be set up on a double blind date with a friend of Hot Married Friend L's Hubby. He was supposed to be flying in from Europe (sounds promising, right), but unfortunately his plans changed and the date didn't happen. I'm home with some wine (I figure that on Valentine's Day it's ok to break my New Year's Eve resolution of not drinking at home alone on weekdays) and my blog and a movie. Off to bed soon! Probably the most boring Valentine's Day to date. Boo-hoo. 

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope yours was better than mine. What did you do to celebrate? Or not celebrate as the case my be? 

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*Funny I started to write this blog last night and I came into work this morning and found a Skype message from my Russian colleagues wishing me lots of love on Valentine's Day! The actual message said: Hi IWM! I wish you Happy St.Valentin's day and ocean of love! <3 <3 <3 <3 Russia loves you! This was about the sweetest thing anyone said to me all day - so that was nice. And I guess that Valentine's Day is getting more popular in Russia!

Reflections on 2010

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The end of a year, the beginning of a new one... what better time for reflections and resolutions. And I'm definitely in a reflective mode (and trying to dry out after too many Christmas spirits). So, this post will be a reflection on 2010 and the next will most likely be a post about resolutions (or not since sometimes I change my mind).

It's been a big year.

In January and February of last year, I decided that I needed to figure out my life and try to  have fun. The year before had been hard because I was forced to move from my beloved Sweden to London and was given a crazy impossible job with looong hours and lots of travel. I had also just broken up with my Beautiful Swedish Boyfriend and I was feeling pretty bummed out. Since 2009 had been a pretty tough year, I was really hoping that 2010 would bring about some much needed change. And I wanted to document that change, so I started this blog - New Year, New Blog.  I decided that I would try out the dating scene in London. I also decided that it's pretty hard to be friends with your ex, so I cut him out of my life completely. After trying out different men and experiencing various BAD DATES, I had a visit from a Hot American Boy and we had a Great American Affair in London (by the way, American Boy is still the best guy I have met in the past year - if only we were more compatible in the bedroom...). I remember January and February of last year as "the calm before the storm." For the first time in many years (until now), I didn't travel anywhere for 8 weeks and I just got to enjoy living in London and not working quite as insane hours. And you know what? I actually had a lot of fun!

Then March came around and that all ended as I began the launch of a huge project at work that continued to make my life miserable right up until the day I decided to leave London (and work-wise might have played a large role in the need for a change). As I was constantly on a plane and in the office in March, I only wrote 4 blog posts but it was apparently a reflective month for me. I thought about what it meant to be an International Woman of Mystery fine tuned my Internet Dating Strategy, wondered what we all did before Facebook and wondered why all my friends were getting married, while I was just getting drunk.

In April there was Easter and I continued to be very busy at work. There was also the small issue of the volcano in Iceland that wrecked havoc on air travel and caused all London airports to shut down. It was very weird to see not a plane in the sky especially since this coincided with a lovely spring weekend. The volcano did get me out of a Brazil and a China trip though.

In May I spent two weekends in Spain! First, I visited my brother in Barcelona and I went on a work trip to Madrid where we spent the weekend having a blast!  And I started to worry about the FIVE weddings I would attend that summer as a single gal.

In June, I went to my first wedding of the season in Sweden. I also returned home to the US for vacation and went to the second wedding in Western Mass. Then I went to a third wedding in San Fransisco!

In July, I celebrated the Fourth of July in the US and I went to the fourth wedding on Nantucket. After my long vacation, I returned to London and was back to hanging out with Swedes. It was at this time, that I decided that I would soon be leaving London and returning to the US. I decided that I should get out and explore London as much as possible, even if I had to do it on my own.

In August, I went on a trip to Smogen in Sweden with the girls. I also went to South Africa. In-between all this jet-setting, I found some time to Internet Date and went on a date with a Sexy Cop.

By September, my time in London was limited although I was less sad about leaving London then being far away from  my beloved Sweden. I mourned the end of the summer and I felt sad when I found out my ex (as in the love of my life ex boyfriend) had gotten engaged. I also told the story of how I became an International Woman of Mystery in parts one two and three and I then announced to all my blog friends that I was moving back to the US and starting the next chapter of my life. And of course just 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave London, I met the most perfect man in the most romantic setting of the British countryside and we spent an amazing night together. Unfortunately, he had a girlfriend - if he didn't I might never have actually left.

In October, I went to the fifth and final wedding of the season in Sweden. I also MOVED HOME to the US and bought my first car, began to rediscover America, started my new job, found an apartment and celebrated Halloween.

In November, I moved into my new apartment in Beacon Hill and learned a lot about what to do and what not to do when moving. I quickly realized that moving and buying all new furniture all alone, was very hard. There were so many times I was desperate for a man to help me. But in the end, I did it on my own and have come to love my cozy little apartment. I also celebrated my first Thanksgiving in the US in a very long time.

And finally comes December where I hit my 100th blog post! Yay! It was actually my final post of 2010 - how appropriate, but I kind of wasted it by drunk blogging about a silly night out in Boston - how typical. In December, I had a disappointing visit from Nomad Boy and I had trouble getting into the Christmas spirit. But then I found myself getting into all sorts of trouble BECAUSE of all the Christmas spirits (and this is why I'm drinking a cup of tea right now instead of my usual glass of red wine... sadly, overindulgence has lead to the need to detox. Can I just point out that tea is JUST NOT the SAME as a glass of red wine)? And finally to end the year, I wrote a pathetic and pleading letter to Santa to find me a perfect man - Santa Baby - I'm counting on you! Please don't let me down.  

So, that's it. That's my year in review. A momentous year in the fact that I moved home. But also a sad, lonely and difficult year. I really hope that 2011 will be better.