Monday, February 22, 2010

You Can't Be Friends With Your Ex

This euphoric feeling of relief and freedom gained from breaking away from my Ex - the Beautiful Swede continued throughout the month of December until Christmas. Then suddenly I was thrown back in to the old pattern of thinking about the Beautiful Swede and missing him. This was most likely due in part to the fact that I did spend a weekend with another Swede: The Swedish Adventurer, and over the course of that weekend, I realized that I didn't have half as much fun with the Adventurer as I did with my Beautiful Ex. And also in part due to the fact that the Ex and I began again to communicate via text and Google chat. Basically, for a breif delusional second, I actually thought that me and the Ex could be friends!

And then I went home to the US for Christmas and suddenly I found myself really missing the Ex. Last Christmas, the Beautiful Swede had come home with me. It was the beginning of our relationship and we had an amazing time together ringing in the New Year in NYC. He also came home with me this summer.

So, suddenly 'home' - my sanctuary, my escape from the rest of the world - became a reminder of the Ex. I found myself thinking a lot about "last year" and wishing he was there with me... It didn't help that he had met everyone in my entire family plus all my friends and it didn't make this easier that everyone had loved him. Family, friends, everyone was asking about him. So, I did what should never be done - I made contact with the Ex via the phone this time. And he told me he missed me too! And I believed him.

And just as I found myself once again planning a future for us, he told me that he was dating someone new and would be spending New Year's Eve with her. I was devastated. And enraged! Why did he keep trying to contact me? Why did he tell me how much he missed me? And how hard it was for him? How can he possibly be dating someone else? (Ok. I'm dating too but not anyone serious)!

And then all the insecurities began to surface... What if he has more fun with her than he had with me? What if she's prettier, smarter, funnier, cooler than I am? What if they have better sex? What if he likes her more than he liked me? What if she's the "one?" Ugh - see what I mean? I should not be allowed to talk to my Ex and he should not be allowed to contact me. It just sends me down a horrible destructive path and for no reason - at the end of the day, the fact that we are not right for each other still remains. So, why beat myself up over it? So, what if he likes her more than he liked me? So, what if she is prettier, cooler, smarter than me? So what if they get married and have beautiful children and live happily ever after? HE AND I ARE NOT MEANT TO BE. It's definitely time to move on.

So, I spent New Year's Eve as the only single person at a couple's party, missing my Ex and missing my friend's in Stockholm, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering if 2010 would really be a better year than 2009. And post New Year's the Ex and I had at least one more conversation where we said hurtful things to each other and did enough damage to ensure that friendship would never be an option. And then I spent a few more days moping around and then I got on a flight back to London and decided to really GET OVER IT.

So, we have resumed not speaking and I for the most part feel better. However, he of course is up to his old tricks, trying to contact me in various ways with silly messages like - I saw this and it made me think of you. And I have a new resolve to be strong and not fall for it, because I know that if I do respond to him, then I will be met with the same words again: "I miss you. But I'm dating someone else. It's time for you to move on."

Well all I can say now is I'm moving on: ON TO THE NEXT!

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