Closing the Ex Files

"Have You Ever Tried Sleeping With a Broken Heart, Well you Should Try Sleeping In My Bed" - Alicia Keys

It feels that in order to give an honest summary of my dating escapades this fall, I have to begin at the beginning. And that would be with my Ex Boyfriend: The Beautiful Swede.

One of my biggest problems or downfalls is that the Beautiful Swede keeps trying to creep his way back into my life and has been around a bit too much this fall. Officially we broke up in August. Unofficially we kept seeing each other until well... I guess the beginning of December when I last saw him in Stockholm. We stopped talking every night at the end of October. So, it feels like the real break up began then... Actually, what am I talking about? We were breaking up and hurting each other all fall! That was the problem. Every time I made a little bit of progress and got away from him a little bit, he would push his way back in and hurt me all over again.

We keep deciding not to talk. I keep telling him we are not going to be friends. He usually respects this for a short time and then starts to try to contact me in various ways. I mean dating has become so complicated with technology! In addition to the phone, we now have emails, text messages, Skype, Blackberry Messenger, Google chat, Facebook... Ugh. There are so many ways to keep in touch or get in touch. And yes, emails count as contact. The problem was, when the Ex contacted me, I thought he missed me! And unfortunately, I sure missed him...

Christmas was a low point for me. I had made a lot of progress in getting over him in the fall. In fact, in part due to an introduction of a new man (The Swedish Adventurer - see future post) while visiting Stockholm in December, I actually felt like I was finally ready to close the Ex-files and move on. Seriously. But against the advice of my friends and mother, I decided to see the Beautiful Swede at the beginning of December and stay with him for 2 nights while working in Stockholm. I knew it might not be a good idea. I knew that it might open the door again. I knew there was really no point in seeing him since we had decided again and again that our relationship wouldn't work out in the long run. But I really wanted to see him. So, as usual, I didn't take the advice of those around me and instead I followed my heart and saw the Ex.

And, it was good! Good to see him but also good to leave him! I really felt like things were over. We still had amazing sex (why oh why is break up sex always the best) and he could still make me laugh with his dorky sense of humor and all the reasons I had dated him for the past year plus were still there but at the same time, it felt like the blinders were off and I could see all the bad things very clearly too. And the overwhelming realization I had was - he just doesn't love me enough. And why would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me enough... And the funny thing, is I actually felt ok with this realization. So, when we kissed goodbye and I went off to catch an early morning flight back to London, this time there were no tears, and in fact I felt ok, relieved almost that I had survived the time with my Ex without doing more damage to my broken heart. Ready to get back to my life in London. Ready to meet a better man. Ready to put the Beautiful Swede behind me and close the Ex Files.