Thursday, July 1, 2010

Breaking Up

It started to get bad about a year and a half ago. Looking back I think that the downturn of the economy definitely had a negative impact leading to a downward spiral. Before that, things had been easy. Life was good. There was not too much to worry about. But the tougher world situation definitely put a strain on our relationship. I hoped it was just temporary and I waited for things to go back to normal. It hadn't always been easy. There had been other bumps in the road but it always worked out in the end.

I never doubted that we would weather the storm. I was sure that we would make it through together as usual.

But then you told me you wanted me to move to London with you. It was right at the time that I had finally gotten comfortable living with you in Stockholm. Had actually started to see myself staying there, maybe forever. And suddenly it was all London or bust. I was angry and scared. I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter. There was no other option at the time. I had to move - leave my friends and my life that I had built at your request in the first place.

The move was hard. At first I was moody and I was sad and so depressed. It was not easy for me to find my feet in London with my friends in Sweden and my family in the US and you demanding so much of my time. But there was nothing I could do but try to make the best of it.

But just as I started top come around, you started to pull away. I no longer felt like I was part of your inner circle. I didn't agree with all the things that you were doing. I thought we should do things differently. And for the first time you didn't listen to me. You didn't share your secrets with me anymore. You didn't want to give me your time. You had new people around that were more important than me. We were starting to drift apart.

But still I continued to try so hard. I thought that if I could just try a bit harder, do a little bit more, then everything would surely be alright again. I could even live in London for longer if you could just make it right again. I was sure it was just a matter of time before you let me back in again. I was sure I still had lots of good things to offer and that we would begin to work our way back as usual.

And then you brought in someone new. And I tried not to be bitter. I tried to make it work. I hoped it would all work out - that we could all work together and make things better. But instead I felt pushed aside. Trampled on marginalized, yet still trying so hard.

I didn't want to admit that the damage was starting to seem irreparable. I never wanted to blame you, so I kept blaming myself.

Until one day I realized that I couldn't go on like this anymore -blaming myelf, trying so hard, seeing no change. I began to realize that for over a year now I've been optimistic that things would get better but instead they slowly got worse and worse. And I realized that things obviously weren't changing for the better so it was time for me to change. You will go on and do great things without me. But I stopped growing where I am with you right now... And I owe it to myself to look for something better.

After much thought and second-guessing, I've decided that it's time to move on. To cut my ties with you after all these years.

I told you today that I was leaving and you didn't try to stop me...

I will remember forever our memories. Our travels to Moscow, Shanghai, Rome, St. Petersburg, Barcelona, Boston, Paris... Our sunny fun-filled days spent in Miami and Malta. All the times that you made me laugh - and cry. The times I hated you for making me move so many times, but also loving you for forcing me outside my small world and into wonderful international adventures. You never failed to challenge me and excite me. It was never easy, but it was always interesting.

I feel sad and scared. Lonely and confused. I have no idea what the future for me will hold. It's hard to imagine life without you. Where I will live? What I will do without you? We have been together my entire adult life - since I graduated from college. We have lived together in 5 countries and we have traveled all over the world. I'm afraid that I will never get to travel so much or live so much or meet so many great people without you there making it happen. I'm afraid that I will never be challenged or stimulated in this way again. I'm afraid that so much of what defines me, of what makes me me is because of ,and without you I will no longer be me anymore. I'm afraid that I will miss you and wish that I could come back. I'm afraid that I'm making a mistake in leaving even though when I think about it, I know that you have left me with no choice.

Perhaps we will get back together someday...

But right now, all I can say is that the ending of any relationship is always really hard.


JT said...

I love the way you wrote it!

International Woman of Mystery said...

Thanks JT! You were there for so much of this journy with me. Hard to believe it's coming to an end.