Thursday, July 22, 2010

Internet Dating Don'ts

So, all this free time has inevitably sent me flying back to Match.com. This is rather unfortunate since I’m still not really impressed with the men there. But what else is a girl to do. Does anyone have any recommendations for a better dating site?

In fact after just a two days of aimless browsing on the site, I’ve been inspired to write a dating profile DO NOT DO list. Boys please take note:

1. Do not choose a stupid username. Examples of stupid usernames are: artyfartymarty, joeybigmac, chunky_a, eating_p, bum_licker (I admit I made the last one up, but the rest are real)!

2. Do not post 10 pictures of you without your shirt on posing in front of the mirror. I DO NOT CARE if you’ve got abs like The Situation! It still feels like you are trying way too hard. I would rather be pleasantly surprised later on if it gets to that...

3. Please please do not write that Dan Brown is your favorite author. WTF! I swear that 2 out of every 10 guys swears that Dan Brown is their hero. Ugh. This tells me that they haven’t read any other books in their life. Might I also suggest that you do not list The Game as your favorite book?

4. Do not give excuses as to why you are on this site. We all know why you are here. Making excuses or offering any kind of explanation at all just makes you seem lame. Get some confidence and get on with it!

5. Do not post pictures of you with lots of other people so that you can’t tell which one you are.

6. Do not post more than one picture of your pet. It’s just weird.

7. Do not post only one picture. Especially if that one picture is of a well-known celebrity and OBVIOUSLY not a picture of you!

8. If you are ugly old and fat do not email girls like me. Seriously. I’m totally out of your league! I also specifically state in my profile that ugly old and fat men need not apply!

9. Do not post pictures of yourself holding a gun (and no I do not care if it’s a toy). It’s not macho -it’s just scary. You would be surprised at how many men do this!

10. Ok. I get it, you are a fun guy. You like to dress us and go to “fancy dress” parties as they call them here in London. That’s great. One picture, MAX two of you wearing some kind of costume show that you are down to earth, like to have fun and aren’t afraid to let loose and be silly. Any more than that start to hint at the fact that you might have some serious issues. And let me add - there is never ever any reason for you to put up a picture of yourself in an animal suit. Sorry boys. Just don’t do it.

11. Do not write me emails that say that even though you do not meet a single one of my requirements (i.e. you are fat old and ugly) you still can’t help but feel that we are actually soul mates and I should give you a chance anyway. Let me tell you: Not. Going. To. Happen. In the real world of old fashioned dating, I guess it would be possible for me to overwhelm me with your wit and charm and dazzle me so that I do not care if you are old and fat and ugly. But let’s face it, this is the online dating world and pictures and pre-set criteria do matter!

12. Do not continue to spam me with emails when I have not replied to a single one (usually because you are fat and ugly and old). Get the HINT! Do not make me break up with you before I have even exchanged a single virtual word with you!

13. Do not try so hard to be different! Emails like this:

im pleased to annouce that you have won an all expenses meal of your choice at either Mcdonalds or Burger King. So whats it to be a Big Mac or a Whopper?.

...are just obnoxious and move my finger to the delete button faster than you can say “french fries” (especially if you are old and fat and ugly).

14. C’mon boys - you all say that you are looking for the full package - that ever elusive combination of looks and brains but those girl are going to be hard to get if your grammar and spelling is like this:

Hey girl, on your profile you sound like an all round pain in the ass, lol, would'nt be suprised iff you're alright really, would be greatfull iff you gave me your honest opinion of my profile, X.

Use spell check! And don’t say such stupid things. And YES, I am an all around pain in the ass! But it’s probably not your best pickup line. Use your noggin boy!

15. If you make less than 50,000 GBP do NOT post your income - keep that to yourself. Match gives you the handy option of not replying to questions that might not make you look that good. So, don’t reply. In fact, I think posting your income is cheesy! Why do it at all?

16. Do not ask me to email you at your personal email address because you are either too cheap to pay for a Match subscription beyond the free trial, or too cool to renew your subscription. Sorry boys - you get the DELETE!

17. Please please do not write me emails that consist only of “How you doin” Ugh. I will absolutely not respond to that. In fact,do not include those words anywhere on you profile - especially not as your tagline!

18. Do not try to make excuses for your profile picture. In fact, do no put up pictures that you have to make excuses for in the first place. And if you need to make excuses because you are that fat old and ugly, pleas revert to rule number 8. To prove my point... One guy just wrote me this little note:

My profile pic may seem mean and moody BUT im really, really NOT like that. When im taking the pic i cant do fake smiles. If we ever meet then you willsee how much i smile and laugh :0) So please dont judge from the profile pic!

Why oh why would I want to write him back?

19. I just had to come back and edit this post and add a number 19 to the list because I was surfing on Match and I found a guy who lists Twilight as his favorite movie and Lady Gaga as his favorite music and yes, his profile did specify that he was searching for women and there was not a hint of sarcasm elsewhere in his profile, so I think he was pretty serious. Boys, we like your feminine and soft side - but only once we get to know you. Do not reveal these things on your profile. It's not cool!

And just to prove that I’m not totally mean and cold-hearted (I’m just picky), I will end this with a positive comment This message that someone sent me yesterday was kinda sweet in an ego-boosting kind of way:

Ok - and now I just have to say that this was kind of sweet although this guy falls into the old fat and ugly category (by the way, old is 35 and over - check out my dating strategy for more info on my “type”).

Hey 3 guys here surfing our mates match for the best looking girl for him and weve all agreed on you ;) If you think you can handle us drop as an email back ;)

I think I can handle him... but I’m sure he is fat old and ugly obviously can’t handle me so I will not be responding to him. Sorry. But sweet email. Nothing like a little ego boost!

This one was kind of cute too:

You look absolutely gorgeous. I know it sounds terribly cheesy, but I'd kick myself if I didn't tell you.
I know I'm 1 inch too short and I just don't look good in heels. So I'm screwed.
But at least I can now I can now go to sleep with a clear conscience.

Ok. Enough complaining. I'm back to the online dating world now to write back that sexy PE teacher and see if he wants to be my London tour guide.

Adios!

6 comments:

DateMeDC said...

Ha, nice. And I did something a little similar to this a while back, only it was about what kind of profile pictures to NOT use. Sigh. Guys will never learn.

Sara Louise said...

Great great post!
The posing with guns thing IS just weird, and taking pictures of yourself looking at your abs in the mirror... sad!

Anonymous said...

Just out of curiosity, what do you look like?

International Woman of Mystery said...

@DatemeDC - I will have to find that one in your blog which I love reading by the way. Gives me inspiration to get out and date.

@ Sara - The guns thing is one I will never understand. The abs thing I understand a bit more but not when there is more than one pic.

@anonymous - tall, blond, blue eyes... what more do you need ot know ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I was just asking because you railed on about looks a million times in your post.

Maybe sometime down the road you should stop worrying about them *THAT MUCH*...you know so you can eventually have kids before you're too old.

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